Yesterday, I had 20 minutes in our Sunday church gathering to communicate something meaningful and helpful about loneliness! An impossible task, especially as I was so aware there were bound to be folks for whom this wasn’t an interesting topic, but a painful and present reality. In the end I thought I did well, but did feel a bit rushed; I didn’t want to give trite answers, but wondered if I had left us with enough hope at the end?
So, as promised at the end of my sermon, and prompted by some great comments in a previous post, Preaching as Community?, here are some brief notes of what I said. Please feel free to comment, agree or disagree (in the spirit of generosity and love!), and post your reflections … and if you weren’t there, you would most most welcome to join this online learning community!
There are some previous reflections on Loneliness here, that contributed to what I said. I won’t repeat those things here.
Loneliness is more that wanting to be around people, but is a feeling of feeling disconnected or alienated from other people. It is vastly different from solitude, which is chosen and helpful. As Paul Tilich (a theologian) says:
Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.
One of the most helpful things is to realise there are different types of loneliness. If you read different books or articles, people will categorise differently, but here are three different types that I see:
1. Situational. This is type of loneliness that is caused by the situation you find yourself in. A spouse dies, a relationship breaks up, you move house or location, friends move away, you change church etc etc. Although a painful reality for many people, this can be alleviated by finding new friends, starting a new relationship, joining a club or finding another group to belong to. This is probably the kind of loneliness that many old people find themselves in, as well as others at other stages of life eg. going to university.
2. Internal. This type of loneliness is not dependent on our situation, and would still be present even if the circumstances of our lives changes. It springs from a longing to know others fully, and be known. To be authentic, and transparent. It is longing to return to kind of relating to others in the story of Genesis 2 in the garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve are naked and unashamed. We can be seen for who we really are, and know that another accepts us and loves us unconditionally. We see that sin or selfishness (in the story in Genesis 3 of “the fall”) alienated us from God and each other. As Jesus begins to heal our woundedness and brokenness, and we move towards God, we can learn to move towards others. We can find profound and real change in this type of loneliness, but we will, in this life, always still be hiding to some extent, and therefore living with a disconnect between our revealed self, and authentic self.
3. Restlessness. I have taken this type of loneliness comes from Ronald Rolheiser’s book, The Restless Heart. We are travellers in this world. Deep inside each human being these is a “memory of having once been touched and caressed by hands far gentler than our own” or “before being born, each soul is kissed by God and the goes through life always, in some dark way, remembering the kiss and measuring everything it experiences in relation to that original sweetness” (Rolheiser p. 55). We long for eternity, which we glimpse now, but the full realisation is to come. Mostly we keep so busy or distracted to connect with this deep core of our personhood, but when we do we connect with a cosmic aloneness, that this life is not we were meant for. We are destined for so much more. This kind of loneliness or aloneness is constantly present, but probably many people are never still enough to truly experience it.
Our hope as Christians, is that Christian Community, despite its imperfections and failures, is a place where we can find hope and friendship No 1; Jesus does come to heal our woudedness to move us forward in No 2, and although No 3 will be always (and maybe we become increasing aware of this) in this life, our HOPE for the future is for a life where we don’t “see in glass darkly” and we find rest, peace and a home with God and other people.
Anyone find this helpful? Or got things to add? Or to disagree?
Tags: Loneliness, Preaching, Church
At the risk of being controversila (moi?) I am not sure I buy No 3 - doesn’t this knid of ‘we are aliens here, just passing through’ mentality feed into the attitude that causes us to treat the Earth, our home as badly as we do - (see last post!) Shouldn’t we be learning to be content in all things and learn to get the most out of the here and now? (NOT advocating an eat drink and be merry cos tomorrow we die ideology - just that we are physical creatures in a physical plane and we need to make the most of this - life is not just a rehearsal for the ever after. Jesus took flesh as he considered life on earth to be real and valuable!)
Does that make sense?
one of the most attractive things for me when i was considering the alternative sexuality of BDSM was the key desire of the people in it to live honest lives where they were known and fully known - it was an interesting dynamic given that i had been a christian for so long and never had this and yet here was a community of kinky people who prized this honesty and trust…
I didn’t go for the BDSM in the end but i did start to discover that sort of extreme self revelation in a`christian context instead…
and it looks like it was a really well thought out talk too… how did folk react?
Andrew, to clarify your statement, surely you meant to say “we are physical-emotional-mental-spiritual creatures in a physical and spiritual world” ?
I agree we need to make the most of this life, but like most other truths, this has to surely be held in tension with the promise of eternal life, which from other posts, we know is to be found realised ultimately on this very planet on which we currently live.
What’s your interpretation of the Hebrews passage which is the source of this “aliens passing through” stuff ?
Thanks for the comments folks.
1. Andrew - i am certainly not advocating a mentality that we trash the earth, or that is a rehearsal. But i do agree with Alastair that we are spiritual, as well as physical, emotional, volitional, and rational.
It is at that spiritual part that i think no 3 exists. Yes we should be content in the hear and now. But if we can hear the longing of the spiritual part of us, i think we know hear the cry to return “home”. For me it is the picture in revelation, where there is no darkness, pain, crying, sin. That place is what i long for, if i still myself enought to listen.
#2 Paul - thanks for sharing your story, and for your increadibly honest and authentic post on your blog recently. Authentic community is very attractive. Does provoke the question: how are we doing in our christian community?
A few folk said they enjoyed it, which was encouraging. Hoping that we might get some feedback and discussion going here …
#3 - thanks for the comments alastair. I agree with you. But wondering too, if you see as aspect of eternal life starting in this present life?
I wonder if that helps hold together andrew’s concerns and the eternal and spiritual perspectives?
To clarify - of course I believe we are spiritual as well as emotional, etc beings. But I feel we should see our sprirtuality rooted in our physicality and hence rooted in the earth. That is why I feel the nature religions are so attractive.
To add to the conversation - i think there is a dynamic tension between the kingdom now and the kingdom come - i certainly feel that tension, sometimes i just want to go home, to be with God, to experienec that full shalom - and i pray God i just want to be with you, i just want that completeness, that fullness, i am so tired of facing this life and not feeling you with me - which would then echo the point of loniliness, that we know that their is a richer, deeper, more vivid life thatwe get glimpses of in the here and now and continue to hunger/pine for…
which reminds me of psalm 73
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Good thoughts on authentic community - maybe slightly cynical but for me authentic community i think exists when we gamble that the pain of rejection i may feel is less than the pain of inner loneliness that i currently feel and then i discover that rather than being all alone i am actually loved, accepted and welcomed and in turn get to do the same for others…
what do folks think encourages being authentic in your community/ies?
Andrew - thanks for clarifying … but i think you might now need to clarify what you mean by nature religions and what you are attracted to? And does that preclude the type of homesickness (otherwise called loneliness) that Paul so vividly describes in his comment?
Paul … i love that description of the deep longing to be with God. Thanks.
And i think you ask the $1M question! How do we encourage authentic community? I really agree it is a risk, but great when we do it.
One thing i have been thinking about for while is how to ask the right questions, to get us talking at a deeper level. Questions such “What do you think about this?” tend to keep the conversation at a more intellectual or rational level. But questions such as “tell me when you have experienced …” begins to move the conversation to a deeper level. I am still experimenting with this …
Anyone else got any experiences they would like to share???!?!??!
By nature religions I mean the pre christian religions of the native peoples - ie druidry and other forms of pagani religion/spirituality. I am attracted to the holistic approach to spirit and physicality, to respect for creation, to seeing God/divine/deity in creation and hence a huge responsibility towards creation. I love the mindset of being at home both in our bodies (as flesh is sacred) and in the earth, and of seeing the ‘otherworld’ as the next step in our journey, our personal ‘evolution’ and growth as spiritual/physical etc beings.
Andrew, I like what you say, but as long as you see the “journey” continuing through the Otherworld into the (re)new(ed) creation of Heaven and Earth. Otherwise we have departed from New Testament Christianity as we know it (Cf. The Ressurection of the Son of God / NT Wright). As Wright says, the Christian hope is for “life after life after death”!
Also another proviso would be that the New Testament sees a tension between our bodies being made in God’s image and as being suitable vessels for worship, and our flesh being a barrier and hindrance to true holiness and an unbroken relationship with God. For example Apostle Paul “rid me from this body of sin!”. Wright points out in “For All The Saints” that the New Testament writers saw the body as the primary locus of sin, and therefore once those that had been saved/born again/made righteous died, they would become “spirits made perfect” (Hebrews).
I think the Q about to include experience/feeling is a powerful way of engaging people Rupert… well that’s what i feel
Andrew - thanks for clarifying and Alastair, i too agree that we need to see thro a NT lens.
There does seem so many tensions that we have to hold, and our desire to understand and simplify can so easily lead us down paths that really aren’t that consistent the NT, or that Christian. The false division between body and spirit that you are highlight andrew is one of them, but so spirit = good, flesh bad that Alastair brings.
Getting back to loneliness, i still think there is something that deep down we long for: a time of no pain, tears, suffering … that wonderful picture of Revelation. And i long for that.
GOod point Paul … i feel that too